I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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