He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
