I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
