sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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