if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
