Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
