I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
