so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
