We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
