I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
