just come out here and I will go home with you...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
