I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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