any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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