I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
