Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
