Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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