i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
high people should be assigned attendants
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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