Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
