no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
