I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
