I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
