i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
