no, he came in my armpit
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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