the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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