i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if only i could text you this smell
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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