I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
