Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
