Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
