I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
