That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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