Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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