mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
