So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
