life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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