there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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