I wish my penis had an off switch
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
