and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
