Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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