so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
