it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
