he shaved USA in his pubs
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
