I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
