no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
