I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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