FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
