Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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