That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
