i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
