He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
