My first STD was from a foam party
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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