FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
